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"I practiced solitary masturbation for some months. At first the
semen was small in amount and watery.
"I had not at this time ever succeeded in drawing the foreskin
below the 'corona.' After masturbation I would sometimes feel
local pain in the penis, sometimes pains in the testicles, and
generally a feeling of shame, but not, I think, any lassitude.
The shame was a vague sense of discomfort at having done what I
knew others would regard as dirty. I also experienced fears that
I was injuring my health.
"It was not long before I found other boys at the preparatory
school with whom I talked of sexual things and in some cases
proceeded to acts. The boys were between the ages of 9 and 14;
they left at 14 or 15 for the public schools. We slept in
bedrooms--several in one room.
"There was no general conversation on sexual matters. Few of the
boys knew anything about things--perhaps 7 or 8 out of 40. Before
describing my experiences at the school I may mention that I
cannot remember having at this period any wish to experience
heterosexual intercourse; I knew as yet nothing of homosexual
practices; and I did not have, except in one case, any love or
affection for any of the boys.
"One night, in my bedroom--there were about six of us--we were
talking till rather late. My recollection commences with being
aware that all the boys were asleep except myself and one other,
P. (the son of a clergyman), who was in a bed at exactly the
opposite end of the room. I suppose we must have been talking
about this sort of thing, for I vividly remember having an
erection, and suddenly--as if by premonition--getting out of my
bed, and, with heart beating, going softly over to P.'s bed. He
exhibited no surprise at my presence; a few whispered words took
place; I placed my hand on his penis, and found he had an
erection. I started masturbating him, but he said he had just
finished. I then suggested, getting into bed with him. (I had
never heard at that time of such a thing being done, the idea
arose spontaneously.) He said it was not safe, and placed his
hand on my penis, I think with the object of satisfying and
getting rid of me. He masturbated me till the orgasm occurred.
"I had no further relations with him, except on one occasion,
shortly afterward, when one day, in the w.c. he asked me to
masturbate him. I did so. He did not offer to do the same to me.
"He was a delicate, feeble boy; not good at work; womanish in his
ways; inclined to go in for petty bullying, until a boy showed
fight, when he discovered himself to be an arrant coward. Four or
five years later I met him at the university. His greeting was
cool. My next affair was with a boy who was about my age (13),
strong, full-blooded, coarse, always in 'hot water.' He was the
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