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son of the headmaster of one of the best-known public schools. It
was reported that two brothers had been expelled from this public
school for what we called 'beastliness.' He told me his older
brother used to have intercrural intercourse with him. This was
the first I had heard of this. We used to masturbate mutually. I
had, however, no affection or desire for him.
"With E., another boy, I had no relations, but I remember him as
the first person of the same sex for whom I experienced love. He
was a small, fair, thin, and little boy, some two years younger
than myself, so my inferior in the social hierarchy of a school.
"At the end of my last term I had two disappointments. I was
beaten by a younger and clever boy for the first place in the
school, and also beaten by one point in the competition for the
Athletic Cup by a stronger boy who had only come to the school
that very term. However, as a consolation prize, and as I was
leaving, the headmaster gave me a second prize. This soothed my
hurt feelings, and I remember, just after the 'head' had read out
the prizes, on the last day of term, E., coming up to me, putting
his arm on my shoulder, looking at me rather pensively, and in a
voice that thrilled me and made me wish to kiss and hug him, tell
me he was so glad I had got a prize and that it was a shame that
other chap had beaten me for the cup.
"I was three years (aged 12 to 15) at the preparatory school. I
started in the bottom form and ended second in the school. My
reports were generally good, and I was keen to do well in work. I
was considerably influenced by the 'head.' He was a clergyman,
but a man of wide reading, broad opinion, great scholarship, and
great enthusiasm. We became very friendly.
"During the holidays I now first practiced intercrural
intercourse with a younger brother. I started touching his penis,
and causing erections, when he was about 5. Afterward I got him
to masturbate me and I masturbated him; I used to get him into
bed with me. On one occasion I spontaneously (never having heard
of such a thing) made him take my penis in his mouth.
"This went on for several years. When I was about 16 and he about
10, the old family nurse spoke to me about it. She told me he had
complained of my doing it. I was in great fear that my parents
might hear of it. I went to him; told him I was sorry, but I had
not understood he disliked it, but that I would not do it again.
"About a year later (having persisted in this promise) I made
overtures to him, but he refused. I then commended his conduct,
and said I knew he was quite right, and begged him to refuse
again if I should ever suggest it. I did not ever suggest it
again. For many years I bitterly reproached myself for having
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