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corrupted him. However, I do not think any harm has been done
him. But my self-reproaches have caused me to feel I owe some
reparation to him. I also have more affection for him than for my
other brothers and sisters.
"At the age of 15 I went to one of the large public schools. I
was fairly forward for my age, and entered high. But I made small
progress. I had bad reports; I was 'slack in games,' and not
popular among the boys. In fact, I stood still, so that when I
left I was backward in comparison with other boys of even less
"The teaching was certainly bad. Moreover, I had not any friends,
and this made me very sensitive. It was to a great extent my
fault. When I first went there I was taken up by a set above
me--boys who were 'senior' to me in standing. When they left I
found myself alone.
"My unpopularity was increased by my being considered to put on
'side'; also because I paid attention to my dress.
"At the public school I had homosexual relations with various
boys, usually without any passion. With one boy, however, I was
deeply in love for over a year; I thought of him, dreamed of him,
would have been content only to kiss him. But my courtship met
with no success.
"When carrying on with other boys the desire to reach the crisis
was not always strong, perhaps out of shyness or modesty.
Occasionally I had intercrural connection, which gave me the
first intimation of what intercourse with a woman was like. When
I masturbated in solitude I used to continue till the orgasm.
"My housemaster one day sent for me and said he had walked
through my cubicle and noticed a stain on the sheet. At this time
I used to have nocturnal emissions. I cannot remember whether on
this occasion the stain was due to one, or to masturbation. But I
imagined that one did not have 'wet dreams' unless one
masturbated. So when he went on to say that this was a proof that
I was immoral I acknowledged I masturbated. He then told me I
would injure my health--possibly 'weaken my heart,' or 'send
myself mad'; he said that he would ask me to promise never to do
"I promised. I left humiliated and ashamed of myself; also
generally frightened. He used to send for me every now and then,
and ask me if I had kept my promise. For some months I did. Then
I relapsed, and told him when he asked me. Ultimately he ceased
sending for me--apparently convinced either that I was cured or
that I was incorrigible.
"A year or so afterward he discovered in my study (for I was now
in the upper school and had a study) a French photograph that a
boy had given me, entitled '_Qui est dans ma chambre?_' It
represented a man going by mistake into the wrong bedroom; inside
the room was a woman, in nightdress, in an attitude that
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