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suggested she had just been relieving herself. My housemaster
told me the picture was terribly indecent, and that, taken with
what he knew of my habits, it showed I was not a safe boy to be
in the school. He added that he did not wish to make trouble at
home, but that he advised me to get my parents to remove me at
the end of that term, instead of the following term, when, in the
ordinary course of things, I should have left.
"I wrote to my people to say I was miserable at school, and I was
removed at the end of that term.
"My first case of true heterosexual passion was with a girl
called D., whom I first knew when she was about 16. My family and
hers were friendly. My attraction to her soon became a matter of
common knowledge and joking to members of my family. She was a
dark, passionate-looking child, with large eyes that--to
me--seemed full of an inner knowledge of sexual mysteries.
Precocious, vain, jealous, untruthful--those were qualities in
her that I myself soon recognized. But the very fact that she was
not conventionally 'goody-goody' proved an attraction to me.
"I never openly made love to her, but I delighted to be near her.
Our ages were sufficiently separated for this to be noticeable. I
dreamed of her, and my highest ideal of blessedness was to kiss
her and tell her I loved her. I heard that she had been
discovered talking indecently in a w.c. to some little boys, sons
of a friend of my family's. The knowledge of this precocity on
her part intensified my fascination for her.
"When I left home to return to school I kissed her--the only
time. Absence did nothing to diminish my affection. I thought of
her all day long, at work or at play. I wrote her a letter--not
openly passionate, but my real feelings toward her must have been
apparent. I found out afterward that her mother opened the
"When I returned home for the holidays her mother asked me not;
to write her any letters and not to pay attentions to her, as I
might 'spoil her.' I promised. I was, of course, greatly
"D. used to come to our house to see my younger sister. She had
clearly been warned by her mother not to allow me to speak to
her. I was too nervous to make any advances; besides, I had
promised. As I grew older, my passion died out. I have hardly
ever seen her since. She married some years ago. I still retain
sentimental feelings toward her.
"I was now 18; I had stopped growing and was fairly broad and
healthy. Intellectually I was rather precocious, though not
ambitious. But I was no good at games, had no tastes for physical
exercises, and no hobbies.
"During the holidays, in my last year at school, I had gone to
the Royal Aquarium with a school companion. This was followed by
one or two visits to the Empire Theatre. It was then that I first
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