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for many months; and after the first few weeks I did not have
intercourse with her frequently.
"Perhaps this was to be expected. The basis of my affection for
her had always been a moral or mental one rather than physical,
although she was a handsome, well-made girl. Besides, money and
other worries kept my thoughts busy, as well as struggles to make
both ends meet.
"Indeed, I may say my sexual nature seemed to be dying out. When
I had been married less than six months I discovered that sexual
intercourse with my wife no longer meant what sexual intercourse
used to mean--no excitement or exaltation or ecstasy. My wife
perhaps contributed to this by her attitude. She confessed
afterward to me that for the first week or so she positively
dreaded bedtime, so physically painful was intercourse to her;
that it was many weeks, if not months, before she experienced the
orgasm. For the first year and more of marriage she could not
endure touching my penis. This at first disappointed me; then
annoyed and finally almost disgusted me.
"Later on, she learned to experience the orgasm. But she was very
undemonstrative during the act, and it was seldom that the orgasm
occurred simultaneously; she took a much longer time.
"I ceased to think about sexual matters. When I had been married
about three years I was aware that, in my case, marriage meant
the loss of all mad ecstasy in the act. I knew that if I had no
work to do, and plenty of money, and temptation came my way, I
should like to have another woman. But there was no particular
woman to enchain my fancy and I did not have time or money or
inclination to hunt for one.
"At times I masturbated. Sometimes I did this to the
accompaniment of homosexual desires or memories of the past. Then
I got my wife to masturbate me.
"About four years after marriage I got a woman from Piccadilly
Circus to do _fellatio_. I had never had this done before. She
did not do it genuinely, but used her fingers.
"As stated above various anxieties, the fact that I could always
satisfy my physical desires, all served to calm me. I was also
interested in my work and had become ambitious to improve my
position and was very energetic.
"On the whole, notwithstanding money worries, the first four or
five years of my married life were the happiest in my life.
Certainly I was very free from sexual desires; and the general
effect of marriage was to make me economical, energetic,
ambitious, and unselfish. I was certainly overworked. I seldom
got to bed before 1 or 2; my meals were irregular; and I became
worried and nervous. At the beginning of my fifth year of married
life I got run down, and had a severe illness, and at one time my
life was in danger, but I had a fairly rapid convalescence.
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