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found my voice trembling; I let my hand, as if by accident, touch
hers; she did not withdraw it; and in a second I had kissed her.
She did not resist. I took her on my knee, and tried to take
liberties, which she resisted, and I desisted.
"Next day I kissed her again, and put my hand inside her breasts.
The same evening I took her to an exhibition. On the way home, in
a hansom cab, I made her masturbate me. This was followed by a
feeling of great relief, elation, and _pride_.
"Next morning, when she came up to my bedroom to call me, I
kissed and embraced her; she allowed me to take liberties, and,
reassuring her by saying I would use a preventive, I had
intercourse with her. She flinched somewhat. She then told me she
was at her period and that she had never had intercourse with a
"During the next few weeks I found her an adept pupil, though
always shy and undemonstrative. I took her to a hotel, and
experienced the intensest pleasure I had ever had in undressing
her. I had lately heard about _cunnilingus_. I now did it to her.
I soon found I experienced very great pleasure in this, as did
she. (I had attempted it with my wife, but found it disgusted
me.) I also had intercourse _per anum_. (This again was an act I
had heard about, but had never been able to regard as
pleasurable. But books I had been reading stated it was most
pleasant both to man and woman.) She resisted at first, finding
it hurt her much; it excited me greatly; and when I had done it
in this way several times she herself seemed to like it,
especially if I kept my hand on her clitoris at the same time.
"My relations with the housemaid, with whom I cannot pretend that
I was in love, were only put an end to by satiety, and when I
went away for my holidays I was utterly exhausted. This was,
however, only the first of a series of relationships, at least
one of which deeply stirred my emotional nature. These
experiences, however, it is unnecessary to detail. There have
also been occasional homosexual episodes.
"I think I am now in a much healthier condition than I have been
for some years. (I assume that it is _not_ healthy for all one's
thoughts to be always occupied on sexual subjects.) The
conclusion I come to is that I can live a normal, healthy life,
devoting my thoughts to my work, and finding pleasure in
friendship, in my children, in reading, and in other sources of
amusement, as long as I can have occasional relations with a
young girl--i.e., about once a week. But if this outlet for my
sexual emotions is stopped sexual thoughts obsess my brain; I
become both useless and miserable.
"I have never regretted my marriage. Not only do I feel that life
without a wife and home and children would be miserable, but I
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